
Someone told me the other day: ‘But I want to be nice to people’. It got me thinking. Some years ago I probably would have thought the same…
But now, after doing quite some personal development, I realized the following: It is NOT nice being nice.
Nice is icky and negative. And this is true because generally speaking when we are being nice to others it is usually because we seek some validation in return which makes it manipulative. In short; it has a hell lot of strings. When you are being nice you are doing a certain way because you think it is expected and to get some sort of approval from others. Read that again. Can you see how fu*^^cked up that is?
You do not need approval of anyone. You only need approval from your very self. And you can give that to yourself right now. Do you see that behaving like that you are becoming a people pleaser? Do you see that people pleasing is very toxic and not helpful in any way? Because when you are a people pleaser you are being fake. And people smell fake miles away. And it is exhausting and unhealthy being that way.
I know it is so bloody counterintuitive because our caregivers always said to us: ‘ Be nice’, and ‘ Play nice’. The word nice was usually used synonymously with the word ‘Good’. It made us believe that being nice is a positive thing which makes it, years later, difficult to understand that it is something we have to UN learn(like many other things but putting that aside for now :)).
What are the ‘dangers’ of being nice all the time?
Personally, I always thought it was a good thing. To adapt to people’s needs and if they are happy, you automatically were so too.
But here is what is really happening that is not so healthy: you let others dominate how you feel, you are giving away all the power to them and since we cannot control (and that is a good thing) other people’s behaviors, we are in complete bondage.
And even worse, you are giving away your authenticity. You do not listen to your own needs and emotions but let those of others become priority. Which seem maybe noble for some. But you will literally lose yourself in this game if you play it long enough, I tell you. I can tell from personal experience, I recovered from depression, and I learned that this coping mechanism of nice-ness played a role in this. I believe that my former depression was my saviour in a way because for the first time I listened to my body, to my self. I discovered my needs. I learned to listen to my emotions, to sensations in my body. When we are nice we are suppressing all these things, you see? And no good things can come from that.
Did you know by the way that generally speaking from all the people; one third does NOT like you, another third DOES like you and the rest does not have an opinion. This made me go wowwwww.
So what is kindness then?
When you are being kind you are being real and genuine. When you are kind you are choosing to be like that without thinking of any outcomes. You are being your authentic self. Being kind is being compassionate towards others. All in all, my conclusion is that it all comes down to selflove( I know it sounds so corny but it IS the truth). If we lack it, we must practice it. It is something that is inside all of us, but most of us have forgotten we have this.
Let me give you some pointers to illustrate this even better:
Nice
-concerned with not upsetting someone
-worried about being liked
-being nice takes energy
-being nice can feel fake (for you and for the other person)
-being nice seems superficial
-being nice is about how other people see you
-external motivation
Kind
-concerned with doing what is right
-worried about being kind
-being kind gives you energy
-being kind always feels genuine (for you and the other person)
-being kind goes deep
-being kind is how you see yourself(including to the values that you hold)
-intrinsic motivation
So, who do you want to be?